Immediately after my father died, twelve years ago, I visited his grave three days a week for the following eight years. Then I felt I no longer had to go so often and cut it back to one day a week. Now I go to the cemetery once on the weekends to visit both of my parent’s graves. I feel comforted by being where their bodies are. Somehow it seems like they are more present here, maybe because that’s where their last remains lay.
I like cemeteries and feel at home in them. They don’t frighten me or bring up sad thoughts and memories as they do with some other people. I can already be sad at home where I live, so visiting them gives me solace and a bit of an escape from my grief. I know I can be alone with them at the cemetery with no outside disturbances. No one can touch me there. I can talk to them and sometimes even listen for their replies. I can meditate here and be at peace with myself and the world. I don’t have to put on any public face here as there is no living public to judge me. Those who have passed on do not judge or criticize. They are silent and I can be myself just as they are themselves. A cemetery must be the most silent, still, unchanging place on earth. I find it healing to visit my parents here.
Since the cemetery is outside in nature, I also enjoy being outdoors. There is a forest right behind the section they are buried in. I have seen many creatures out there over the years, deer, rabbits, groundhogs, wild turkeys, birds, crows, robins, and geese flying overhead north or south depending on the season. There is a whole life going on out there that we never think about. I used to feel like even the birds shared in my sorrow. I would project my emotions on to them which made me feel better. Now I don’t do that so much anymore. But I still like to think that the creatures out there are in sympathy with my losses. It gives me some company with my sorrows. Sometimes a crows sympathy, or a deers, is more desirable or less demanding than a humans. Such is life.
I am free to remember here uninterrupted by the hectic pace of life and work. Here time has stopped and the memories are all. I don’t know how many of you can relate to these feelings, but I suspect quite a lot. I don’t deny myself my cemetery visits and you shouldn’t either. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t spend so much time there because it’s unhealthy. If it brings you comfort, then do it. It will help you adjust and recover from your loss, and eventually the need to be at your loved one’s side by their grave will subside. It may occur gradually over time as the shock of the loss wears off. I don’t believe we ever get over the loss of a loved one, but I think it eases the pain a little if we still feel like we have a connection with them, and their contact with us hasn’t just ended. For me, I know being near them at their graves helps.
Thanks for reading,
Sharon
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