So, what happens now, after your loved one has died? What does your life look like? These are questions that we have to deal with eventually. I know that I was so totally absorbed in the care of both my elderly parents for several years before they died that I never even thought about what I planned to do afterwards. This is tantamount to not facing the reality that they wouldn’t always be with me. My mind wouldn’t allow for the thought of a life without them in it. Caring for a loved one who is in hospice takes every drop of energy you have. So it’s understandable that you’d not think beyond that time frame. You become focused on trying to keep them alive, or at least be with them every minute up until the last hour.
But people really need to think ahead. The reality is that someone who is dying or in hospice won’t be with you for much longer. In order to deal with that uncomfortable knowledge, you need to be preparing yourself in advance for several months. Preparation matters here. Acceptance is key to adjustment of your new norm, a life without your loved one.
After the initial stages of shock, disbelief, anger, and depression, eventually there should be some kind of acceptance on your horizon. It may not seem like it when you’re in the throes of shock immediately after your loved one dies, but you will recover. Things will change and move on even if you resist it. Time marches on and we can’t stop that. It can take some time before you’re at the acceptance stage, and that’s okay. Take the days, months, or even years you need to do more healing. There is no norm for a time frame. But be comforted in the knowledge that, farther down the road, things will change for the better.
There are many things you can do to try and appreciate life once more, to get back in the game. You want to try and appreciate the little things you see and do in your day to day living; things like smelling the fragrant roses growing in your backyard; or being aware of how your morning orange juice tastes, savoring it on your tongue; noticing the way the tree bark looks on your morning walk, the texture, touch it; look at the sky at different times of day, notice the colors of sunset at dusk as it gets cooler outside, and the midday brilliant blue sky with the sun blazing overhead, feel its heat on your skin; listen to the birds calling and tweeting throughout the day, hear the difference between the sound of the blue jay and the robin. Make a conscious effort to get outside yourself and truly be in nature in the moment.
It’s too easy to get lost in a depression. It takes some effort to change focus from your own inner misery and losses, to something outside yourself in your environment. Try to be in the moment, focusing just on what you are doing at any one minute, and nothing else. Block out all other negative or painful thoughts. If you are folding laundry, then throw all of yourself and your attention thoroughly into that, and let no other thoughts or feelings enter your mind. Put all of your senses into how the cloth of your clothing feels in your hands, what freshly dried clothing smells like to you? What does it look like? Are your shirts crisp with starch and stiff? Or are they soft and pliable with fabric softener? Are your clothes cotton, or polyester, or satin? All the materials feel different, whether smooth or rough, knitted or crocheted.
Being aware and living in the moment isn’t easy to do. It takes practice to block everything else out. One excellent technique that helps with focusing attention is mindfulness meditation. There are many good books and videos on learning how to do this. Mindfulness meditation will be the subject of a future blog post. But I mention it here because it factors in to how well you can adjust to the changes for a life after your loved one is gone.
We only have the current moment. Don’t live in either the future or the past. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, and yesterday isn’t coming back, it’s gone, so we only have today. Make the most of it. Life is short, and you want to live it to the fullest while you have it. Life should be a cherished gift, so don’t lose the time you have left on this earth to mourning the loss of a past and loved ones that can never return. Yes, do honor your lost loved ones, always. But also embrace life! The two can go hand in hand and are not mutually exclusive.
Here is a list of “30 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest” by Lori Deschene on her website “tiny buddha simple wisdom for complex lives.” These are some wonderful suggestions and ideas. This is a great and inspiring site to find information on “helping people overcome their blocks, let go of the past, and live a life they love.”
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