Some people, probably many, find themselves in the throes of a depression after the death of a loved one. It’s understandable, as your whole world has been upended and changed forever, and you’ve been left with a huge hole in the fabric of your day to day living. It would be difficult not to be depressed. Generally, depression may last a few weeks to a year. A certain amount of depression is expected, though everyone is different and there is no “norm,” no “one size fits all” when it comes to emotions.
I suffered from depression after my parents died, but it wasn’t obvious as to what it was. It was just a shift in my energy level – what I was able to do, and felt like doing. I’m not sure I was even aware that it was happening. My energy turned inwards and was being used up by my grief, so I had little to spare for day to day functioning. I found that all I wanted to do was write. But I wasn’t writing poems immediately after my father’s death, I was writing my feelings in my journals. I literally have hundreds of filled notebooks where I poured out my depression, loneliness, despair, anger, grief, and nightly dreams onto the page. I wrote my pure, raw feeling and thoughts. It was hard for me to even do my daily chores. My grieving tired me out and sapped my energy.
I can’t even remember those first few years without my father, it is such a blur now. But I do know that it was dominated by grieving over the loss, the sudden absence in my life of my loved one, and by my depression over it. All I wanted to do was watch our favorite old movies on the television set. But I couldn’t just disappear into my grief because I had my mother still here to take care of, and she was 87 years old. So I never had the luxury of being able to fully wallow in my grief, which upon retrospect, was probably a good thing. But then again, I also never got to fully work through it, either.
I only began writing poetry about five and a half years after my father died. But once I started, that was all I wanted to do. Somehow, I found that my grief was transformed into words on paper, and then I found those words transforming me. It was the only activity that really made me feel good and helped me to recover from my depression. I wrote about four hundred poems in the next two years. Writing them proved to be a powerful healing force in my life. After my mother died eight years later, I continued writing the poems, but added short stories to my writing. Right after my mom passed away, my energy and attention levels went the same way as they did with my father’s passing. My memories immediately after are again hazy. But the more I wrote, the stronger I got.
Throughout my life, at different times, I’ve had depression. It comes and goes. Many things factor into it, including genetics, environment, feeling a lack of support and lack of success or love in my life. But the worst depression is from the loss of a loved one. If you find yourself depressed after the loss of your loved one, it might help to try some creative expressive activities like writing (in any form – journals, poetry, novels, short stories), painting or making collages, taking your old photos of your loved ones and making a scrapbook out of them, or taking up a musical instrument.
It also might be helpful to get out among other people. Get out of your house so that you’re not so surrounded by all the memories there. A change of environment can be very beneficial. Many people find it too difficult to stay in the house they had lived in with their now deceased loved one. The memories in every room and every object can be overwhelming. So, they make a conscious choice to leave and find a new house, to start over somewhere else. This can be a difficult and painful decision, but for some, it can be the right decision. Whether you move or not, getting out of yourself and amongst other people will help alleviate the intense self-focus of depression.
Joining a group like a book club or a sewing circle, a theatre group or a choral group, can be good. Take a class in woodworking, pottery-making, photography, or an academic class (for noncredit) on history, literature, or a science topic (astronomy).
It is hard when you lose a loved one, but your life doesn’t end, it only changes. It is best to try to accept the changes and move on, rather than fight them. It is a tremendous adjustment. The smoother and easier you can make it on yourself, the sooner you will be able to recover from your depression. You have to actively do these things in order to help yourself recover. I hope some of these ideas will be helpful to you.
Nothing lasts forever. We don’t, and neither does depression. Life is short and precious, and I believe our loved ones would want us to make the best of our time left to us here on earth.
In this blog I am speaking about the normal bereavement related depression. But there can also be a more complicated grief reaction that some people have. If you find yourself with a deeper persistent depression that is lasting longer, please seek professional help from a bereavement counselor, psychotherapist, or a medical doctor.
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