One of the most difficult occasions to deal with, after a loved one has passed on, are birthdays. This includes both theirs and yours. Birthdays are a joyous celebration of birth, and it feels incomplete if family members or others who were close to you aren’t there to be with you on that day. Nothing is as special to you as your birthday and the celebration that you have to commemorate that event. It’s hard enough to deal with the everyday grief of a loved one who has died, but on that special occasion it is even harder.
This is a topic that is on my mind, because I just had a birthday this past week. And as I have for the many years since my father died, I found myself missing both him and my mother very much on that day. Their physical absence from my life was keenly felt. The day just didn't seem like anything to celebrate without them. Over the years, I’ve learned to adjust, but it’s always a more emotional time. I’m sure many of you can relate. Even if it’s not a parent who you miss, it may be a sister or brother, a daughter or son, a husband or wife, or perhaps a friend or other relative who you felt especially close to. Those who have meant the most to us are the ones we want to have share our birthday celebration.
I have found it helpful to look at this a bit differently, to reframe the day in other terms. Yes, it’s your birthday, and yes, you miss them – but think about what they’d want you to be doing on this special day and how they would want you to feel, whether they are present or not. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to spend the day depressed and sad because of their absence. They’d want you to enjoy the day and feel good about the life you’re living. Life is ultimately short. It may not seem like it when you’re in the throes of grief, but time passes swiftly. And your loved one wouldn't want you to spend that precious time lost in sorrow because they're not here with you.
Instead, perhaps spend your birthday doing some activity that you and your loved one used to do together. That way, it’s almost like they’re here with you again. If you enjoyed hiking in the woods together, then take a walk in the woods; if you enjoyed watching a special movie every year on your birthday, then watch it this year too; or if you liked taking a leisurely drive to a favorite place you both loved, take that ride yourself. This honors your loved ones and the things you used to enjoy doing with them. It’s a way of connecting with them, even though they’re not physically present. This also applies to their birthdays. It can hurt that you can't be with them to celebrate their special day. But again, you may want to do the kinds of activities that help you feel closer to them, things you enjoyed doing when you were together.
A birthday celebrates your birth, but in a way, it also celebrates the life you’ve led since then. This special day can be a time when you remember the positive power of your friend or family members' love for you, which can still help strengthen you now. Even as you remember the past, consider too how proud they would be that you’ve moved on to a full and rewarding life, the kind of life they’d want you to have. Perhaps even celebrate the day with new friends you’ve made, as an affirmation of a future for yourself. A birthday is a day primarily about your past and your memories. But it’s also a day about your hopes and dreams for your future – the future your loved ones would want for you.
On birthdays, I still look through the family pictures in old photo albums. I go to the cemetery to visit their graves and I bring flowers. These activities are positive in the sense I feel closer and more connected to them, even in their absence. You may come to find birthdays welcome again, as days when you recall with joy your experiences together. The best tribute to your loved ones may be treasuring your past, but at the same time honoring them by making a good, happy life for yourself here in the present. It’s what they would want you to do now.
Many Happy Birthdays to all of you!
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